What you saw as the title of this post was the title of my script for huangcheng about 4 years ago..I still remembered that time when my first script got rejected by laoshi..then i summoned all my crazy and wrote a 2nd one..which later became one of the last 5 scripts..just too bad that i had developed it too late so it wasnt much of a completed piece by then..so got 放逐 in the end still..but more or less i know that it was destined not to get anywhere but my com..haha..
anyway why this title..todae was the last day at imh..psymed up to now had been always schizo schizo schizo and schizo..sometimes..i feel..its just so hard to discern what is schizo..what is bizarre..what is weird..or what is just my naive-ness..sometimes..i kind of wonder..why is this idea weird..why is this linking bizarre..whats wrong with me..
Of course there are alot of things to fall back on when u try to make a decision..firstly..there's this wonderful thing called common sense..but well..whats common to me might not be common to you..toking cok is common to me and i can perfectly blend into someone's toking cok without realising that his mind is a cok..common sense..up to a certain extent..can help me distinct things that is really really bizarre..out of my world..get out of sight..
then secondly..there's culture..cos delusion is a fixed falsified thinking that is not shared with others..so if sth is widely accepted in a community..like cows drink milk..then cows shld drink milk and mebbe not drink water??..yepp..but there's a problem..i only noe abt my culture..and mebbe singapore culture..yep..but thats not exactly a problem cos i will only be practising in singapore..i do wish for the chance to help out in other places but then lets not discuss about it here..anw..its not exactly a problem..but once again..there will alws be some part of the culture that i wont noe..jus like some common sense that i nv found common..
then ofcus..search for evidence for it and against it..delusion is a fixed falsified belief that is held despite of lack of evidence and not shared among others..so the best thing is to keep on asking the patient why is he thinking like that until a certain point when the basics is out..that is there is no evidence..
then there's socratic questioning..ohman i kinda love it..haha..i kinda already acquired this skill thru my toking cok drilling sessions..basically it demands an inquisitive mind..and a training of not to take everything at face value but exert ur sense of responsibility to ask everything in the world..when something is fake..somewhere something somewhat weird out there wont be able to escape from u..ofcus thats when u r really good at it..at least for now..its nice to know that when i think about a question to ask..someone else will actually ask it..so its either my level is as good as theirs..or their level is as good as mine..hahaha
after one week..i realised why i had been so tired in imh everyday..by the time afternoon comes..im already bo-chuping the tutorial and falling asleep or jus pure stoning..its jus simply becos im learning very fast and everything is getting there in a very organised and proper manner..im very happy about it..haha..im really glad that psymed posting had actually brought my mind engine to a start and i can really say that im going back to the days that i thot of doing psymed and now im seriously considering..the other contender being FP..
the best part abt the morning tutorial today was the tutor's analogy of how to discern truth or falsch..he asked..what is erotomania..how do we know if we really know that someone loves us or we r jus being erotomania..sometimes..love has no logic..no common sense..and nothing cultural in it..then..we fall back to the evidence..cos we are not and we noe we shldnt be and we try to dismiss these ideas of erotomania..we all rely on all the evidence to tell us whether if someone loves us anot..the things that she does..the words that she says..the love that she gives..all the evidence for and against..and the rest..are erotomania..hahaha..
I was thinking while listening at that point in time..mebbe i shld haf done more things for all those i had loved in the past..mebbe i had not given them enuff evidence to dispute themselves as erotomania..毕竟， 即使是恶魔在身边， 你也还只是个整天想把我气死的小小小恶魔。
Well. This few days had been bad. B is for Bad in everything. A is for bAd in everything. D is for baD in everything. So, BAD means BAD in everything. Waha. Sounds so silly-lily depressed. Obvious Lee. Haha.
Most important reason is ownself stuck inside 无可救药. Ownself forgets what is reality, demands imaginary, and is affected by what other people say. So in the end, reality can never be matched with imaginary, what other people say is still only what other people say (pui!), unless its what you say yourself. Counting my blessings, saying my prayers (南无阿弥陀佛), praising the glory (ohhhhhhh~), witnessing the grace that things are still "ownself stuck inside 无可救药", nobody affected, nobody hurt. Except, just the few who I 发牢骚 on and at the end of this post still doesnt know what had happened. Nothing had happened in actual fact, its just me, don't bother, thanks for concerns and being around, because there's not much other person to talk to.
Glad to just realise I still had such tremendous exciting emotions (really did I? Maybe just that I did but did not show, but I got scared from nightmares too), reminds me of some lyrics, hm I can't seem to have a good impression of the whole song, but nevermind, next time better time. So, still not so old yet. Still can have adventures, adrenaline and advancements. Hurhur. Yay! I am in year3 already! Wait for me!
So yea, as the whole true truth tells me that if one don't save oneself, then thats it. Ohwell, some people say that things are easy to say, yet hard to do. But well, that true truth, is hopefully, one of the easiest way to do things. So since school is reopening soon, I shall start to motivate myself and keep things on the ball, no more waiting for other people's sms, no more waiting for other people's call, no more waiting for other people's email, no more waiting for other people to smile at me, no more get lost all you doctors, I shall bug u all first, Wahahaha.
I guess being on the waiting end for the whole of my life had a very bad effect on me as a person. Waiting for bus to come, waiting for teacher to come, waiting for food to be cooked, waiting for holz to come, waiting for friends to play with me, waiting for the best opportunity, waiting for my turn, waiting for people to fetch me, waiting for other people to smile at me, waiting for lift, waiting for a life to come. Being on the waiting end for the whole of my life meant that, I know and am used to what it is like to be waiting, and, I can wait. But on the flip side, I don't know what it is like to be on the being waited side, and had no experience at all to treat someone waiting. So sorry.
The good about blogging and about interviews are that, they force you to sit down and think about things, suddenly. For the split second, what is the most important will come out, what will never happen will die down.
Wah kind of luck is that, everytime got nightcycling I will be super tired during the day before the whole thing. This time, due to sleeping late, waking up early, and almost no sleeping throughout the period, waking up every now and then, having weird imaginary things (which are not called dreams) forming when I close my eyes. Boo. Tired. And alot of out of the blues and dan xin hai pa, tan te bu an. Luckily uncle got train in 60 hrs none sleep. Quote wanzhen, this time is really "yuan qi da shang". Luckily still got two days to buffer, and hopefully I don't get headache for the rest of the week.
Anyway, this time the route very different. Next time we know the exact stops to chiong liao. First stop Kallang KFC before 11pm (well, if got special people around then we have to detour to some other places first). Then siam Geyland, go the other way, less cars, less dangerous, less things to eat, but I like. Then went to hmm.. Orchard road and to some places, ending up in Tanglin, and going up Mount Faber. Then SGH, AH, Chinatown, Clarke Quay, Esplanade, Back. Wah tired. Legs ache like shit, butt ache like shit, even before shitting. Pooh.
When we were at Esplanade, I sat down in the direction looking at the ferris wheel. Wah. Feel very happy just looking at it from far far away. Reminds me of the big big ferris wheel in Vienna which I had thought of going up, but then, too expensive and other reasons. Wah. Feel really happy just looking at it from far far away. I mean, this kind of thing, something big big there, something about to be completed, something to look to, leaves alot things for people to imagine, think about, and look forward to. Though alot people complain about it. But just sit down and look at it, even if its not completed. I think many million people out there will feel the same as me, it gives me an avenue to think, to fantasize, and to have a dream. Its in-completeness is like a dream, not a reality yet, but something that we can think about. A dream, thats what people like me needs to have, in order to address what I really need in life and what I need to work really really hard for, and why.
Was telling the people when lazing around in ECP macs after the whole thing. That the best kind of couple, is to have many similarities to match one another, yet many differences to compliment one another, and at the same time, being able to ke4 one another. As what shen diao teaches us, everything in nature will have something to ke4 it. Xiang1 sheng1 xiang1 ke4. That will be the most fun thing ever. Happy finding one that you ke4, as well as ke4 you. Haha.
Seems like I cannot get out of my small circle. Seems like I have to venture out into the cold, hot world outside and prow through all the icecaps and deserts to find. Some people just get it easy. Yet, just need to get one. One out of the millions out there, so easy. But to find the one, out of the millions out there constantly 混淆-ing my 视线, is hard.
告诉我你是那个人
能让我的生命完整不再悔恨
争吵的时候才胜任
风雨后我不会是一个人
当我流泪还有你心疼
告诉我你是那个人
这次的爱终于对了没有疑问
说我是你的那个人
你的心是我最后的旅程
tell me you're that special someone
有太多天真的伤痕
让我们成了脆弱的灵魂
无法任性地相信会走到永恒
已经失去了颜色我想要更绝对的可能
Was walking home in my formal. This two guys approached me (sorry if you are reading this, but please try to restrain from finding people to box me in the streets), trying to do sales. The first guy is just talking so fast, that I had no idea of what he is saying except for "two dollars" and "handicap". I was not interested in what he was talking anyway. The other guy came up at first to thank me for stopping and listening to the first guy. Both shook my hand, I recalled that I did not wash my hand after examination today, if we bleed due to streetfight they will die of salmonella. Anyway I just could not hear what the first guy was saying. I am giving feedback to you here if you are thinking. I could not hear what you are saying and could not be bothered with what you are saying. A good tactic employed by them was to hand me something so I have to hold on to it and cannot zao. But I just cannot heat what you are saying and am not caring. So I, in view of my frustration of almost failing my examination today, decided to do my utmost, "thank you so sorry, can I return you your this thing, and thank you but I am so sorry". (Don't show me that face man). Did I mention it was almost 12am and I woke up at 6am today and had an exam and did not sleep well and cat-fought with an aikido champion? You wont want to get salmonella man. Neither clostridium. Oh yah. Please do not show me that face. Nor that hand. You met your old grandmaster in showing that face and that hand. You will really feel like punching me if I show you that and I will be sure to give you mixed anaerobic infection in your wrist. Let me tell you what. My choice here, is to choose between letting a handicapped person have a nice warm meal at the expense of two dollars from me, and to spend my next whole day in hunger or to let me spend two dollars a day. So simple. I know what you will choose if you were me, that is to threaten everyone that I will give him salmonella unless two dollars is given. So simple. I sound a bit pissed but I am sure I was smiling at the person. Smiling for his wu2 zhi1.
Ningqi's birthday was fun. Its just what they say, what kind of person gets what kind of treatment. Mine was not the worst, but was one of the worst. And after everything so bad are done, I think this time round its really nice. I think people should be daring and fierce when they are young. Otherwise when the hot blood is gone, what else spirit can you find in you. Trying, again, to find something to link up all of my life again. I forgot what I had found the last time. This time round, maybe I can finally reach the fool.
I think almost done liao. Things are seeing an upright turn. Just need a little bit more push. Yep. Jia you on my part. Success is not just pushing other people into success, its being successful on your part as well.
I think my predictions from yesterday were super accurate. I am getting smarter liao. Things are under my control liao. Back to my control. Level up liao. Can score another ten million exp and upgrade to grandmaster fortune teller liao. Seh.
Not bad mah, astrology for today from the straits times is accurate too. But. I am better, you are one zillion exp away from my level. Sheesh. Angsty.
Your instincts about someone new on the scene are correct. But stay quiet for now.
Don't lose heart if some recent adventures haven't turned out quite as you'd hoped. Instead, shake off some of that weight pressing down on your shoulders. It's time to appreciate all you've learned.
Yep. Sheesh. Save me from making a choice. Thanks. I am glad. And thankful.